When I first met you, I actually thought that maybe you knew. Maybe you remembered and were just messing with me. And then, obviously, you weren't, but it was just a casual whatever, so what did it matter if I knew and you didn't? It's not like Alex has some cache of dark, dirty secrets about Jean-Paul. It's not like they were ever more than colleagues and maybe friends. So it didn't feel like...I don't know, like having any advantage over you. And I wasn't going to see you again, because the last thing I have room for in my life is risk, or loss. But you just offered, without expecting anything, even though you knew enough to maybe get that I'm a mess and I just. Needed that. And I thought the only vulnerable one was going to be me. And I didn't expect there was going to be any intimacy except the physical. And I probably convinced myself that it was okay because it was just like what I've been doing with Jean--I don't go giving her information she doesn't need to know, but I absolutely tell her the truth about anything she asks about. But it wasn't, and I was being more selfish than I realized, and so it's ended up being exactly as horrible as I thought it would be and also much worse.
Re: Seth
When I first met you, I actually thought that maybe you knew. Maybe you remembered and were just messing with me. And then, obviously, you weren't, but it was just a casual whatever, so what did it matter if I knew and you didn't? It's not like Alex has some cache of dark, dirty secrets about Jean-Paul. It's not like they were ever more than colleagues and maybe friends. So it didn't feel like...I don't know, like having any advantage over you. And I wasn't going to see you again, because the last thing I have room for in my life is risk, or loss. But you just offered, without expecting anything, even though you knew enough to maybe get that I'm a mess and I just. Needed that. And I thought the only vulnerable one was going to be me. And I didn't expect there was going to be any intimacy except the physical. And I probably convinced myself that it was okay because it was just like what I've been doing with Jean--I don't go giving her information she doesn't need to know, but I absolutely tell her the truth about anything she asks about. But it wasn't, and I was being more selfish than I realized, and so it's ended up being exactly as horrible as I thought it would be and also much worse.