nola_northstar | (no subject)

(no subject)

Private
I knew I didn't want a normal life, but that doesn't mean I wanted all of this. Jean-Paul, Northstar. My "secret identity." How do I handle having two lives in my head?

... and how have I survived without my twin sister? She was my other life. Is she safe?
... and I am so in love with my husband, Jean-Paul's husband, but Seth is falling for another guy entirely.
... who is someone Jean-Paul knows better than I do.
... and is Kyle safe, and loved? I miss him. I don't know him, Seth has never met him. But god, I miss him.
... and this feels like being brainwashed, and dying, and searching for my sister, and watching people die.
... and this feels like acting.
... and this feels like loss.
... and this feels impossible.

Caleb
I'm sorry about what happened. I didn't want you to leave, but I was completely overwhelmed. And grieving, I think.

Well, life is a pit of hellfire.

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It's not your fault. If I were you, I probably would have punched me. Several times over.

I knew better than to get involved with you when you didn't remember, and when you have a husband. Not that I intended to get involved at all, but... Anyway, I knew better, but I let myself get convinced that it was okay because...because I wanted it, or because it was better than getting all caught up in before, or whatever. And I shouldn't have. So it's on me, and I'm sorry.

Remember when I talked about feeling like you only just have things under control and you're barely holding on and if you add one more thing it's all going to come crashing down on you and obliterate everything? I hate being right.

I find it hard, that you knew and I didn’t, and what that means about the kind of vulnerability and intimacy we were sharing. But I also understand why you didn’t tell me. It’s a hellish thing to carry. But I do feel a little... I felt like you understood me, and now I see that might be because you knew some version of me and fought beside me for quite some time. So that feels... I am a little hurt by that. But I do understand that you weren’t trying to trick me or pull something over me. I believe your intentions were good and your interest was real. But I feel a little... uneasy about that.

But what else were you supposed to do, yell at me? I get it.

When I first met you, I actually thought that maybe you knew. Maybe you remembered and were just messing with me. And then, obviously, you weren't, but it was just a casual whatever, so what did it matter if I knew and you didn't? It's not like Alex has some cache of dark, dirty secrets about Jean-Paul. It's not like they were ever more than colleagues and maybe friends. So it didn't feel like...I don't know, like having any advantage over you. And I wasn't going to see you again, because the last thing I have room for in my life is risk, or loss. But you just offered, without expecting anything, even though you knew enough to maybe get that I'm a mess and I just. Needed that. And I thought the only vulnerable one was going to be me. And I didn't expect there was going to be any intimacy except the physical. And I probably convinced myself that it was okay because it was just like what I've been doing with Jean--I don't go giving her information she doesn't need to know, but I absolutely tell her the truth about anything she asks about. But it wasn't, and I was being more selfish than I realized, and so it's ended up being exactly as horrible as I thought it would be and also much worse.

So you were a little selfish. I’m selfish all the time. So was Jean-Paul. You were in a tough position and we had a moment that turned into more moments. I believe that you didn’t plan it. I believe that you were being as honest with me as you could, though even though I hate knowing, I wish you had told me earlier. But I do hate knowing. And I’m glad I got to meet you as Caleb.

I really liked spending time with Seth. It felt like a much-needed break. Like I didn't have to pretend like I do with Scottie, like everything is normal, but I didn't have to worry about you having expectations of me because I'm Alex, either. And I really didn't even see you as Jean-Paul most of the time. I think just a lot of the good stuff about you is the same in both lives.

I know more about Caleb than I ever knew about Alex, I think. And feeling understood and seen in the world is rare. You made me feel that. And I’m grateful for it. You’re a romantic, even when you’re being casual.

I really thought it was going somewhere, for a minute there.

It might still.

And your husband? Because I saw your face when you remembered him.

I don’t have an sewer to that question. I got the memories of a years-long relationship and marriage in one day, in the instant that I got it, I lost it. It’s both mine and not mine. That’s what I meant by grieving. It’s something Jean-Paul had that I feel very strongly, but I also know it’s not mine. Not Seth’s. I don’t know what that means. I hope he’s safe. Still. Minutes before that memory, I was falling for you. It’s a lot to work through… but that doesn’t make it not real.

I was just realizing that I want you more than I've wanted anything in a really long time, but then you remembered and it felt like a door being slammed before I even got a chance to walk through it. Which maybe I should have expected of a day I planned to relax and enjoy myself and forget the world for a while so I'd have the reserves to deal with one of my least favorite days of the year the next day, because it's a very me thing, from both lives, to have my plans utterly and completely thrown out the window by the universe.

The door’s still open, Caleb. This isn’t your old life. It isn’t even Caleb’s old life. It’s new and it’s now. And doors sometimes stay open.

I really want to kiss you but Scottie's asleep and I can't leave her alone.

I’d come and kiss you but I respect that you probably don’t want that happening in case she wakes up and gets a shock.

I actually really want you to come kiss me anyway.

I’m going to be stuck in your doorway like my metaphor, aren’t I.

You're going to have to learn to sneak past her room sooner or later, right?

You’re right, I might as well start now.

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Seth

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