nola_northstar | (no subject)

(no subject)

Private
I knew I didn't want a normal life, but that doesn't mean I wanted all of this. Jean-Paul, Northstar. My "secret identity." How do I handle having two lives in my head?

... and how have I survived without my twin sister? She was my other life. Is she safe?
... and I am so in love with my husband, Jean-Paul's husband, but Seth is falling for another guy entirely.
... who is someone Jean-Paul knows better than I do.
... and is Kyle safe, and loved? I miss him. I don't know him, Seth has never met him. But god, I miss him.
... and this feels like being brainwashed, and dying, and searching for my sister, and watching people die.
... and this feels like acting.
... and this feels like loss.
... and this feels impossible.

Caleb
I'm sorry about what happened. I didn't want you to leave, but I was completely overwhelmed. And grieving, I think.

Well, life is a pit of hellfire.

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And your husband? Because I saw your face when you remembered him.

I don’t have an sewer to that question. I got the memories of a years-long relationship and marriage in one day, in the instant that I got it, I lost it. It’s both mine and not mine. That’s what I meant by grieving. It’s something Jean-Paul had that I feel very strongly, but I also know it’s not mine. Not Seth’s. I don’t know what that means. I hope he’s safe. Still. Minutes before that memory, I was falling for you. It’s a lot to work through… but that doesn’t make it not real.

I was just realizing that I want you more than I've wanted anything in a really long time, but then you remembered and it felt like a door being slammed before I even got a chance to walk through it. Which maybe I should have expected of a day I planned to relax and enjoy myself and forget the world for a while so I'd have the reserves to deal with one of my least favorite days of the year the next day, because it's a very me thing, from both lives, to have my plans utterly and completely thrown out the window by the universe.

The door’s still open, Caleb. This isn’t your old life. It isn’t even Caleb’s old life. It’s new and it’s now. And doors sometimes stay open.

I really want to kiss you but Scottie's asleep and I can't leave her alone.

I’d come and kiss you but I respect that you probably don’t want that happening in case she wakes up and gets a shock.

I actually really want you to come kiss me anyway.

I’m going to be stuck in your doorway like my metaphor, aren’t I.

You're going to have to learn to sneak past her room sooner or later, right?

You’re right, I might as well start now.

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(no subject)

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